As am listening to xxxtentacion’s ‘depression and obsession’ i cant help but remember my day yesterday. A very short day yet sooo much happened in less than 12 hours. Immediately i opened my eyes from my sleep, i stretched my hand, took my phone and got on whatsapp which is my usual routine. In the morning my thoughts of the day are always wild. ‘will i have sex today?’ ‘ will i die today?’ ‘something could happen and it could change my entire life’ ‘what about my dreams and ambitions?’. All these thoughts have only one answer. ‘Get up and Live!!!’ Just after, i usually go to check up on my grandpa then have breakfast.
Yesterday was a little different.The CEO of AFRICHA Ent which is the label am signed to had inboxed me on whatsapp and had a request to make.He wanted me to drop by at Mary’s and pick a Mac then hand it over to Cate. Since i had a free day i offered to help. I had known Mary not less than a month ago and we hit it off. She is a free spirited lady and manages a youths centre in the neighborhood. I woke up and headed over to her place. off course she did not expect me to be at her door early that morning.I took the mac went home got ready and by 11 i was out.
On my way to Ruaka, just after Thindigua i saw a car that looks like a friends who lives around there. I called him to check if he was the one but unfortunately it wasnt him. As we spoke, his voice sound really teary. Unfortunately i wasn’t able to ask what was going on. I thought to myself ‘its not good to assume’ so i then texted him.
‘Hey, you sound like you were crying. Is everything okey?’
‘collins is dead’ he replied.
Suddenly i got emotional. The thought of loosing a close friend. That pain and emptiness. The memories. I personally didn’t know collins but i remember him from a few interactions. However i knew he meant alot to Nic so i understood his pain. Life to me in these ‘collins thoughts’ happened to be very shitty but then he is gone he cant feel what we are feeling. DAMN!!! fuck this, i said.
I got to Ruaka and dropped the Mac. I had another appointment at Runda gardens with the Ceo of FURET films hence i was nervous cause the meeting had taken long due and today was the D day. We talked with Betti who i had met through facebook and requested her to help me out. I followed my google maps and got to her place. We had a very candid moment. Coincidentally her director had grown up in my hood so this sort of increased the depth of the bond. They seemed to like me and as i played them my film, i could tell the focus and level of concentration they had as they watched wasn’t just your average.
We agreed on a few things and i had to leave. On my way back home i dropped at Nic’s to check up on him. Unfortunately he wasn’t there. I spoke to a guy whose name i wont reveal and that’s when i heard what had happened to collins in detail. I cant judge him cause i’ve also been in a very suicidal state and its a dark moment for anyone going through this. A 23 year old. I was very sad and thought about all the people who have died and where they all go to. Could it be that there is no other life after this? Have you ever thought about it in depth. What will happen to you after you die. Just maybe you wont know cause you’ll be dead.
I Later went home, took a long walk as i thought about life. Life is just life. In less than 12 hours i was able to be sad,happy,emotional,excited,concerned, expressive…..all these all that. Ive learned to live everyday as it comes. Smile with pain and tears. As long as am alive. As long as am not drowning in pain as long as it left me unharmed, am still a winner. I love you guys.